


Not Enough

by Cupcaqe



Category: The Red Line (2019), The Red Line - Fandom
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, Daniel is an emotional mess, Daniel's POV, Gay Sex, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Infidelity, Poor Liam, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, poor daniel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 04:51:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19202254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cupcaqe/pseuds/Cupcaqe
Summary: Daniel's thougths and feelings throughout episode 5.





	Not Enough

A month. Harrison had been seeing a _much_ younger guy for a month. 

Daniel didn’t know how to feel. It was a whole mix of emotions, pulling him from one end to the other. Disappointment, betrayal, disbelief, but anger was the predominant emotion for sure. But he couldn’t even express it. He couldn’t scream at Harrison. He couldn’t demand for an explanation. Harrison wasn’t there anymore.

And then remorse would hit him for even getting angry at his late husband.

As Daniel sorted through their mail, seeing Harrison’s name on most of those envelopes, he let anger win over. But all he could really do was take off his ring and toss it across the room. 

It didn’t feel any better, but at least he felt he was getting back at Harrison in some way, small as it was. 

Oh, but he’d asked Liam out. That was certainly a way to get back at Harrison. 

Daniel didn’t know why he’d asked his coworker out, but it’d felt good to do so. He liked Liam, and as Liam had vaguely suggested, he liked Daniel back. And the mere thought had him smiling.

After calling the Thai food place, Daniel waited for his order to arrive while sipping on some wine. He was thankful Jira had suggested delivery food for dinner for he did not feel like cooking tonight. 

When the food arrived, he called Jira down as he put the food out of the containers and into two plates.

“So how was class today?” He asked Jira, midway through his Pad Thai.

“Which one?” She asked distractedly. 

“Um…Literature.”

“We’re reading The Plague,” Jira commented with disinterest as she ate. 

She still wasn’t thrilled he’d coaxed her into taking Liam’s class, but he kept insisting she’d be missing out on some ‘A’ class education and she’d regret it later if she hadn’t. 

Daniel gave her a pointed look. “You could say that with a little more enthusiasm.”

“We’re reading The Plague!” Jira repeated with forced enthusiasm and a fake grin. 

“That’s more like it,” Daniel said with a chuckle and sipped on some of his wine. He cleared his throat then and looked down at his plate, moving the food around with his chopsticks. “But you like him, don’t you?” He asked with raised eyebrows and stole a quick glance in Jira’s direction before returning his gaze to his plate.

“Mr. Bhatt?” Jira asked curiously.

Daniel nodded and brought some food to his mouth.

“Yeah, I mean…he’s supportive,” she said with a shrug.

He nodded slowly before wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I’m sure he is.” 

Not the answer he was looking for, but sometimes Jira kept a lot to herself, so he left it at that for the time being. There’d be plenty of time to ask his daughter about her opinion on _Mr. Bhatt_.

“Dad, what is it? You’re acting weird.”

At that, Daniel cleared his throat and shrugged. “I’m not acting weird,” he said then, but was unable to look at his daughter in the eye.

“Yeah, you are,” Jira said in that all too wise tone of hers that sometimes made Daniel feel like a kid being scolded. “Seems like you’re hiding something.”

“Finish your dinner,” Daniel said shortly, finding himself a bit cornered by his teenage daughter. “Then go read your book. I don’t want you failing Mr. Bhatt’s class.”

“But I’m in the middle of a life-threatening surgery,” she replied, pointing toward her IPad.

Daniel looked at Jira with amusement. “That can wait.”

“Surgery cannot wait, dad. You should know this already,” Jira said in a mock-scolding tone as she picked up both their now empty plates and put them in the sink before leaving. 

Daniel smiled, shaking his head then began to wash the dishes and put away the empty containers.

When he was done, he tried to work on his student’s papers but to no avail. He couldn’t concentrate. So he just gave up and put on his pajamas. He lied on the bed with his back to Harrison’s side. 

A month, Scoot had said. And Daniel believed Scoot. That man had been his best friend pretty much since he’d come to Chicago. And he’d never lied to him. 

But Harrison could’ve lied to Scoot. 

In any other circumstance, Daniel would’ve fervently denied the possibility of Harrison being dishonest. But things had changed. Harrison wasn’t the same man he’d been in love with for the past twenty years. This new Harrison was perfectly capable of hurting him and capable of infidelity, so what did he know.  
What if that hadn’t even been the first time? Should he get tested just to rule out—? Cutting that thought short, Daniel covered his face with both hands and let out a frustrated grunt. 

How had everything become so wrong in so little time? 

Daniel remembered a time when Harrison had promised to never hurt him, to always take care of him and be faithful. And now…now everything felt tainted. 

It didn’t help that wherever he looked, there was Harrison. Every picture together, every memory…and there he was as well, smiling like an idiot, because he’d been naïve enough to believe that he made Harrison as happy as Harrison made him. 

How could he have been so blind? 

He’d always held Harrison in the highest of pedestals. He’d though him the best husband anyone could ever wish for. Damn near worshiped the man. And even though it hadn’t been always easy, Daniel had always tried his best to be deserving of the man and to give back the love and patience Harrison had invested in him, especially during the first years of their relationship, when he couldn’t even love himself and would end up doubting Harrison’s love for him.

How ironic that he hadn’t been entirely wrong.

What hurt the most was probably the fact that Harrison had had very little free time to spare to begin with. He’d worked inhumane shifts at the hospital most times and had always come home late and exhausted. He must’ve been _really_ motivated to be with someone else if he’d gone through the effort and trouble of finding time to do it. 

Daniel shook his head and let out a mirthless laugh. And to think he must’ve been waiting for him eagerly to come home while he was fucking that bartender. Dinner going cold as he sadly read the text telling him Harrison would come home later than expected. 

Lying through a text must be easier, Daniel guessed. 

Although if he really thought about it objectively, Daniel could almost bring himself to understand why Harrison had gone and cheated. Twenty years was a very long time to be with the same person every night without getting tired of them. Which he guessed was what Harrison felt. He was tired of him. 

But if Daniel had been able to do it, then why hadn’t Harrison? Why hadn’t he been enough?

Well, to be fair, he wasn’t enough as a parent either. Not if Jira had been so eager to find her biological mother. He hadn’t even been enough for his own parents. So much for unconditional love, they’d been quick to take it back when they’d found out about his sexuality, so could he really blame Harrison?

And now Daniel felt guilty for questioning Harrison’s love for him. He doubted anyone would ever love him like that again. 

Then all of a sudden, Liam came to his mind. 

If what Liam had insinuated was true, then his coworker had feelings for him. How deep those feelings ran, Daniel had no clue and he wasn’t about to speculate. But as he thought back, Liam had always sort of been there for him. Always had a comforting word to offer or a sound advice to give. The younger man was wise beyond his years and he’d always seemed to know exactly the words to say and at what time to say them, ever an attentive and caring presence in the near distance. Daniel had just never considered the possibility that Liam thought of him that way.

But he’d noticed Liam, of course. Liam was a handsome man, and Daniel occasionally let himself look and think about other men. No harm in that. It was only when those looks and thoughts turned into feelings and actions when there was a problem.

 

****

 

The date ran smoothly, at least for the most part. Those two guys at the bar had been a nuisance, yeah, but if not for them, Daniel would’ve probably not come up with a reason to kiss Liam and they wouldn’t be in Liam’s house right now, making out and pulling at each other’s clothes.

When Liam recovered from the shock of Daniel’s abrupt kiss, he took control and pushed him against the wall with passion. Daniel was a bit stunned when his back connected with wall opposite the door, but he smiled soon enough. Liam had always seemed so collected and proper. This was certainly a new side of Liam, one he was eager to explore it further.

As they continued to kiss and undress, Daniel was keenly aware of the want in the younger man’s actions. He could feel it in the way he was being kissed, but more than that, he could _see_ it in Liam’s chocolate brown eyes. And sad as it was so acknowledge it, it’d been a long time since Daniel had felt so desired. 

Liam _wanted_ him. And Daniel _needed_ to feel wanted.

Liam’s hands stopped working on his belt for a moment and he pulled back to look Daniel in the eyes. “Are you sure you want this?” 

At such a question, Daniel could only say _Yes_.

And it was all Liam needed to pick up his heated pace and continue to work on his belt. Daniel closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the way Liam’s thick beard tickled his neck as the man kissed him there. He found he rather liked that and he couldn’t help but wonder what the tickling would feel in other places. 

The thought made him blush. 

As Daniel was lost in that thought, Liam grabbed his hand and led him into the bedroom without uttering a word. Daniel fidgeted with his hair as he followed the other man.

Ever since he and Harrison had started officially dating, Harrison had become the only man Daniel had been with. And it’d been twenty years since. He couldn’t help but feel excited and nervous about what was about to happen. And for a second he didn’t know what to do with himself as he stood there by Liam’s bed. The thought of being in bed with another man after so long made him feel self-conscious.

Liam turned back to him after putting away some clothes lying on the bed and began to kiss him gently. But Daniel was too nervous and he kissed back with more urgency in a desperate attempt to chase his anxious thoughts away and replacing them with lust. And it worked. Soon, all he could think about was the way Liam’s warm hands and mouth felt on his skin. The devotion and sheer hunger the other man was showing him was overwhelming. He couldn’t make it stop if he wanted. 

But he didn’t. Daniel wanted this as much as Liam seemed to want it. 

Then Liam was pushing him again and Daniel got the hint, getting on the bed and lying on his back. He reached out for Liam as the man stood there staring at him. 

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Yeah,” Liam said; voice think with lust.

Liam didn’t hold back from then on and pulled Daniel’s pants down all the way and got in the bed with him. They quickly got rid of all their remaining clothes.

After they worked on the condom and lube with clumsy, eager hands, Daniel wrapped his arms around Liam’s back and closed his eyes as the other man entered him.

The rhythm was deep and slow, like Liam was intent on making it last as much as he could, just so he could savor each moment. Daniel was having a hard time keeping quiet when Liam kept hitting him in that spot repeatedly, but slow enough to make him feel each thrust, driving him mad with pleasure. 

Daniel brought Liam closer so he could kiss the man’s shoulder and neck, admiring the man’s beautiful skin tone against his pale hands. 

Suddenly, Liam stopped moving and held himself up to look down at him. “You have no idea….” he huffed. “You have no idea how much…for how long…I’ve wanted this. How hard it has been...not to just...”

“Oh, Liam,” Daniel moaned when the younger man moved again, sinking deeper if possible, and was silenced by Liam’s mouth on his. And he held unto Liam’s waist to pull him closer. 

Jira’s words came to mind all of a sudden, and very much uninvited: _When you wait a long time for something, you just end up disappointed._

How long had Liam waited, exactly? What if he turned out to be a huge disappointment?

But Liam didn’t seem very concerned about it. In fact, he seemed lost in his own world as he thrust into him and kissed his neck, and chest and shoulders, touching him everywhere and looking at him as if he were the most precious of sights. Like Harrison had looked at him once.

He came first on his own stomach, with Liam’s hand wrapped around him. 

And when he came down from the bliss, Daniel noticed Liam had stopped moving all together. When he opened his eyes, he caught the man’s intention right away and wrapped his arms around him, shaking his head.

“Go on.”

“You sure?”

Daniel nodded. “I want you to cum while you’re still inside me.”

With a shy smile, Liam nodded then picked up his pace. Now much more aware, Daniel studied the Liam’s face carefully and his uninhibited facial expressions as he lost himself in pleasure had Daniel looking at the handsome man in wonder. It was sight that wouldn’t get old soon.

When Liam finally came, Daniel wrapped his hand around the other’s neck and pulled him for a deep, hungry kiss. 

“You okay?” Ever so attentive, Liam asked when they parted, searching for any sign of discomfort with concern in his eyes.

Daniel looked back into Liam’s eyes and smiled. “I’m more than okay.” 

Then Liam lean down to kiss him again, so passionately Daniel was sure the man would get hard again and start all over again. He would’ve welcomed that for sure, but instead, Liam broke the kiss slowly, very slowly. And just as slowly, he slid out. 

After disposing the used condom and letting out a long, contented sigh, Liam collapsed on top of Daniel, resting his head on his chest. Daniel smiled and wrapped one of his arms around the younger man’s back and with his other hand he started to play with Liam’s hair.

“That was good.”

“It was,” Liam responded lethargically. 

They lay there for a few minutes more before Liam lifted his head to smile at Daniel. “If we stay like this we’re gonna fall asleep.”

Daniel grunted. “Ugh, yeah, I can’t. I have to be home before Jira arrives. I should have dinner ready.”

Liam nodded. “How much time you got?”

“I don’t know. Maybe an hour?” 

“Okay,” Liam said and slowly started getting up. 

“Where’re you going?” He asked as Liam started collecting his clothes. 

“You’re my guest. I should tend to you.”

Daniel creased his brows and smiled, gesturing between them. “And this wasn’t it?”

Liam laughed as he put on a robe. “I’ll be right back.”

When he was alone, Daniel’s self-consciousness returned. He was acutely aware of how naked he was in his coworker’s bed so he started collecting his clothes and getting dressed. Liam caught him halfway putting his pants back on.

“I told you I’d be back.”

“Um…I just…where can I…?” he gestured to himself.

Liam smiled an understanding smile. “The bathroom’s right down the hallway.”

“Thank you.”

When he came out of the bathroom, feeling all fresh again, he started looking for Liam and found him in the kitchen, waiting on the kettle.

He leaned against the door frame and watched Liam with a smile on his face.

When Liam noticed his presence, he smiled sweetly. “What’re you doing over there?”

“Lurking quietly?”

Liam laughed. “We’re gonna have to do something about that. Can’t have you startling me all the damn time. Maybe one of those kitty bells would do.”

It was Daniel’s turn to laugh. “And what are _you_ doing over there?”

“Making us some tea.”

“Good thinking. We could definitely use some…rehydration,” he joked. 

Liam chuckled, shaking his head. “You go ahead and take a seat. I’ll be right there with you.”

“Okay,” Daniel smiled and did as told, going to sit in Liam’s living room. As he sat there, he looked about the room, at the pictures, mostly. One in particular caught his attention; one of Liam with his arms around a woman who Daniel assumed was his mom. Liam hadn’t said it, but he’d spoken about her in past tense and Daniel was curious about what had happened, especially because of how fondly he’d spoken about her, but he didn’t think he should ask. Not yet at least, so he put the photo down and waited for Liam.

When Liam came back to join him, Daniel felt much more relaxed, but he couldn’t help to blush at the way Liam kept looking at him. There was just something about the way Liam looked at him and treated him that made Daniel feel special. 

It really was a perfect little moment the two of them were sharing, but of course, Daniel had to go and screw it up by mentioning Harrison’s bartender. 

He hadn’t anticipated Liam would question his reasons for asking him out, so he was caught off guard. He honestly didn’t have an answer at the moment.

“I didn’t make a move for five years. Not when Harrison was around. Not since he’s been gone. Walking by you in the hallway…and feeling this way. It’s been real for me…” Liam confessed in a pained manner. 

Five years? Daniel wasn’t expecting that. Sure, Liam had vaguely let out that he had some feelings…but what his coworker was describing now…it sounded a lot deeper. 

“But that’s not what this is for you.”

Daniel was just beginning to realize just how badly he’d messed up when Liam aggressively threw his coat at him.

Of course the younger man would feel used. He’d done exactly that just to get back at Harrison. And now he’d hurt Liam, the very last person who deserved it. 

But he still couldn’t wrap his head around Liam having such strong feelings for him. They’d worked on the same school for five years, yes, but they hadn’t been all that close. Yes, they’d talked often, but if Daniel had to pinpoint when they’d become actually close, probably he’d say it began after Harrison’s death. Until Liam had used the word _friends_ a few weeks ago, Daniel didn’t think they could’ve even be called that before.

He grabbed his coat and let himself out quietly. Outside Liam’s door, he buttoned up his shirt with shaky hands and then wrapped his coat around himself before he started walking away.

Daniel couldn’t recognize himself anymore. He couldn’t remember last time he’d been so clueless and thoughtless. Now it seemed he was having trouble seeing things that were right in front of his eyes. And he couldn’t blame it all on Harrison’s death. Sure, his life was utterly shattered and he was having a hard time pulling himself out of the darkness, but that didn’t give him the right to lose sight of the people around him, least of all the people that cared about him the most. He’d already hurt his own daughter due to his own fears of being left behind by keeping her from meeting her mother. But at least he’d mended that mistake on time. And he was planning on patching things up with Tia for Jira. 

But with Liam it was a whole different deal. There was no way Daniel could really make it up to him. He wasn’t in the same place as Liam in terms of feelings. And he was still madly in love with Harrison. All he could really do was leave the guy in peace. 

When Daniel got home he poured himself a glass of wine and forced himself to sort through their mail. 

He wasn’t expecting to find that video tape.

Daniel didn’t think it was physically possible to take so much heartbreak, but once again, he was proved wrong. Seeing Harrison’s last minutes had made it all excruciatingly real. Sure, he’d felt the pain of Harrison’s absence for the past several months, but since he’d been denied the chance to say goodbye, it’d all felt a bit surreal. Harrison had gone to work that morning, but had never made it back. Now he’d seen what had happened and _how_ it had happened. 

And Daniel couldn’t help but blame himself. Paul may have pulled the trigger, but that didn’t change the fact that if he hadn’t sent Harrison to that convenience store for the stupid milk, he would’ve made it home safe and sound that night and his life would still be perfect. Maybe he would’ve found out about the cheating eventually and they’d probably had their first real fight, but they’d be able to work through it because they loved each other. And they’d eventually return to their domestic bliss and put all that behind them.

God, he wished that so badly.

 

****

 

The next day, Daniel felt worse. 

He’d had a dream about Harrison. They were younger and they were sitting by the frozen lake watching it defrost as spring’s first rays of sun shone down upon them. Harrison had had his arms around him. And they’d felt so real, the arms around him, so safe and warm and comforting that Daniel woke up missing his husband more than ever. He couldn’t help but break down, clinging to Harrison’s pillow. 

As mad and disappointed as he was on his husband, Harrison had still given him more than he ever thought he deserved. Harrison had saved him. It wasn’t an exaggeration when he claimed that. Daniel truly didn’t want to imagine what his life would be like if Harrison had never walked into that bar and noticed him.

It was true. Daniel had struggled with not feeling enough for a big chunk of his life. He was struggling with that right now. But if there was one thing Harrison had taught him, that was to believe in second chances. Before he’d met Harrison, he’d never imagined life could get so good. Never thought he’d become a husband and a dad at that point or that he’d be so damn happy. And even though he was now experiencing pain like he never thought possible, it’d all been worth it. 

And who knew. Maybe there was a good that came out of all of this. Daniel really did feel good when he was with Liam, almost to the point where he was able to believe everything would be okay one day. He needed to apologize, of course, but not now. Liam needed time and so did he. There was a lot he needed to think about and feelings to sort through. 

Daniel toyed with the rings on his finger then brought his hand against his heart and closed his eyes.


End file.
